TOMATO FEST

IM RUNNING LATE... damN! I LEFT MY HOUSE IN FOREST GROVE AT 8PM THINKING THE SHOW STARTED AT 9PM-and i would have plenty of time to get to 6910 n. interstate ave. for the tomato fest.

the tomato fest was started a year or two ago by a couple of local comics who, i can only guess hatched the idea between bong hits about "how can we humiliate other local comics and get paid for it!?!?!?! "   "I know!!! let's put them in a cage and chuck tomatoes at them!! it will be great!!! "
   AN HOUR AND 45 MINUTES LATER I SHOW UP AT the location.  i walk in TO THE u AND I TAVERN and the first thing i see is comic richie stratton wearing khaki pants a white button down dress shirt with approximately 3 lbs. of tomato poop on him.  his hair was soaked and there must have been 2,000 seeds dotting his body like a smallpox virus...and boy was he happy!!!

i see these two cute girls infront of me lamenting about how sorry they felt for him while thier abercrombie and fitch wearing, drunk-ass fratboy boyfriends heave a devastating a 9 oz. ripe tomato right at richies face.  The chain link fence did little to stop the carnage as the tomato split perfectly in half and instead of one red bomb it was two missles headed for the intended victim.  

my heart started pounding and I felt a little sick to my stomach... "DAMN DUDE, YOUR NEXT" I THOUGHT TO MYSELF...

I have to hand it to ritchie - he put forth a valiant effort.... interjecting his routine with the occasional tourretts syndrome outburst of "That's all you GOt!!!!??? pussy!?? " come on!!! you fuckers!!! yeah!!!! ... it was great... great because I wasn't in the cage... yet...

I saw another comic jeff jackson and he indicated to me I need to go talk to the hosts for the evening DON FROST AND LONNIE bruhn APPARENTLY THEY thought i chickened out and

decided not to show...  let me tell you if i say im gonna be somewhere for an ass whuppin' im gonna be there... my word is the only thing i got left...

i walk over and they shout at me - "your next!" so i change into a wite old navy t shirt - and a pair of old blue shorts... 

                body armor
now I go into the bathroom and furiously looking through my bag i realize i have forgotten my cup...  The polyurethane cup shaped device to hold, cradle and protect,

 my main man...my mighty package...my reason for existence...my best friend and confidant. 

I was warned to bring a cup...i was told to bring a cup so i improvised.  I took the 450 page tony robbins motivational book i was reading and jocked it to protect my package.  i then stuck a video tape of the latest chris rock hbo special a friend taped for me in there too... i was ready...

I got out there and the croud was really into it... who wouldnt be? i mean, come on, this is america... where you can inflict pain and humiliate people... all in the name of good fun...??                                                tomatofest....that's where....

i got in the cage and before i can even say anything, i get a red rocket shot to the midsection...  "uugghh" i moaned like a 4th grader getting punched in the stomach by his older sister for wearing her makeup...  and the shots just keep coming...

I didnt really do a set list or anything, i just tried to respond best i could...

    " damn dude, you hit harder than my stepfather..."
   
    " oh man, ... that hurt...oh,  it's my high school guidance counselor!! thanks for coming       dude... look ! i've made it!!! im finally a professional comedian doing the (slam!
       a shot to the face with a hard tomato...)  tomato fest!!!!
   
    " that was a weak throw dude, go play some t-ball now..."

my goal was to not antagonize the crowd my goal was to stay alive...  I got several shots  to the body but interestingly enough, i got hit in the head  alot.... several shots to the head and neck area... i mean really good shots...
   

    I dunno, how would you feel if you saw like 5 guys winding up to throw a tomato and theyre like its the bottom of the ninth inning of game 7 of the freakin' world series and you know their only goal is to make you cry...


    The best shot of the night was the shot across the bridge of my nose - i felt the crunch of the impact and blacked out for a second... i didnt want to pass out because that would give the fratboys and the crankheads way too much satisfaction... i just tried to turn my body to the right and backed up a little... trying to shake off the dizzyness and regain my balance... i still went down anyway because i was barefoot and there was 6 mil. plastic on the ground so it was like ice skating with sneakers on... lousy traction...

                              my nose still hurts... 

sunday approx. 24 hrs later i realized my nose, my entire neck area, my head, both shoulders, my abs, my side, my back, my biceps, my forearm, my legs and both butt cheeks were quite sore from the pummeling of harmless - soft - tomatoes thrown by angry mistanthropes at less than 12 feet away thru a chain - link fence towards yours truly.

  i would like to thank chris rock and anthony robbins for                 protecting my package during this trying time.

    i would like to thank don frost for the opportunity to be a
part of tomato fest '04 - and lonnie bruhn for saying nice things about me in during the introduction - things like me being homeless and having alot of issues and me being emotionally disturbed... chicks love hearing that stuff about you...

    congratulations to chad bon presley who won the evenings top     honor with the audience voting him top comic for the night...
   



                                   
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